Four weeks at number one from w/e 1st June 1985
It opens with fairly basic drum patterns, but it soon unfolds, introducing Peter Hook’s bassline boldly, followed by a beautifully twittering sequenced synth pattern, a second layer of bass level sequencing, a strong, triumphant chorus hook, then once you’ve finally succumbed to the idea that the song has a traditional structure, it reaches the halfway mark and decides to pull every conceivable melodic variation out of the bag. Peter Hook suddenly gets the idea that he needs to rock out and produce what can only be described as a Miami Vice chase sequence riff, then there’s a gentle rhythmic and ambient melodic breakdown involving ribbeting toads (nobody had that pegged on their New Order bingo card at the time), then skiffled kitchen noises, before the track becomes borderline symphonic.
Seven minutes in it decides it hasn’t said everything it wants to say, exploding into a crescendo of lasers and bright melodies. The group seldom sounded like Jean Michel Jarre, and probably wouldn’t take the comparison as a compliment, but this is the closest they came to exploring the idea of seventies progressive electronics, where being bold and exploratory, letting ideas sprawl and breathe and taking your own sweet time to sniff every avenue weren’t things to apologise for. If that makes “The Perfect Kiss” in danger of sounding like a chore or a bore, it’s actually anything but – every moment of it is a joy. It’s a rare example of a long, drawn out single which feels half the length of its actual playing time.
While the above may cause readers to conclude that “The Perfect Kiss” was a labour of love, in fact it wasn't - the track was recorded in a rush before they set off on tour. The only real clue to this frenzy lies in Sumner’s lyrics, which are even more half-arsed and disjointed than usual, offering fragmentary and contradictory ideas such as “Pretending not to see his gun/ I said let’s go out and have some fun” and “I know, you know/ we believe in a land of love” which never quite glue together in any meaningful way. Sumner later informed journalists that he actually didn’t know what the song was about and could only account for what inspired certain fragments, so it’s a series of torn up lyric book ideas thrown into the air, a jagged breadcumb trail of notions which ultimately lead nowhere.
Beyond that, it’s an unconventional and ambitious groove which may not have been as accessible as “Blue Monday”, but was certainly the first post- “Blue Monday” single to prove that the group still had the ability to produce something that was both epic and majestic – that it was obviously effortless for them to do so remains astonishing.
Both British radio and the record buying public seemed unimpressed, however, causing the single to be the first New Order single which wasn’t an import to fail to reach the Top 40. If Depeche Mode’s fortunes waned in the synth pop unfriendly mid-eighties, New Order’s crashed – Radio One, which later became a huge champion of the group, largely snubbed it despite its obvious strengths, turning their focus towards the slickly produced rock and soul of the day.
The ten minute video of the band running through the track in a slightly nervous and studious way also failed to pick up many plays; although as it failed to include zombies, explosions, or any kind of plot or acted dialogue, it’s possibly not surprising that MTV spiked a thing of such length. After all, nobody apart from their biggest fans really wanted to see New Order nodding their heads thoughtfully while playing in a studio for ten minutes.
The single fared better in Ireland, where it reached number 15, and generally picked up more appreciation globally, proving to be a minor hit (of sorts) on the US Dance Charts. In the wispy, wishy-washy world of 1985 in the UK mainstream, though, with its sincere performers, smooth production and overcooked soul – I generalise, of course, just not by much - “The Perfect Kiss” was seen as too busy, too vocally flat, too post-punk and just all round too much. It would take a while before New Order were allowed to pass over the commercial threshold again.
New Entries Elsewhere In The Charts
Week One
13. The Three Johns - Death of the European (Abstract)
Peak position: 4
Not, as some Leave voting punks speculated post-Brexit, a song wishing death to the EU project, but a track criticising US influence on European culture as a whole. Think what you want and vote how you want to vote, but let’s at least get our stories about these records straight, eh? The political world is feeling far too devoid of coherent facts as it is, let’s not allow that to infect our music as well.
“Death Of The European” actually sounds like the first Three Johns single to jump the divide from lo-fi underground concern to something that has half a desire to reach a broader audience. That central riff wouldn’t be misplaced in a 1985 Fall record, but its brightness is obvious, as is the group’s desire to keep the chorus a bit more laser-focused and insistent than usual. They were never going to be stars, and nor do you suspect they wanted to be, but by this point, they were starting to put out records which at least warmed the alternative dancefloors up.
14. Mark Stewart and the Mafia - Hypnotised (Mute)
Peak position: 9
Ex-Pop Group member Mark Stewart shunted into a very hard and abrasive, sample-heavy area for his Mafia project, and “Hypnotised”, from the brilliantly titled album “As the Veneer of Democracy Starts to Fade”, is a single that paints new signposts for the industrial sub-genre before it had even really found legs. If parts of it sound faintly primitive now, the darkness and dubbiness certainly seemed groundbreaking at the time.
21. Hurrah! - Gloria (Kitchenware)
Peak position: 21
Kitchenware’s brightest janglers return with an unusually dark, introspective streak to their melodies, offering a brooding ballad seemingly about unresolved relationship issues. “I know now you left me in limbo/ but sometimes that's the way things begin” we’re told, and that, my dear readers, is the sound of deep denial. My advice to both Hurrah and you good people? Never, ever accept limbo for more than a week or two. If the lady or gentleman in question can’t make their minds up or wants a longer break, it’s their own affair (possibly literally?) from that point on, and you should just get on with your own life.
“Gloria”, therefore, is wound-licking and head-scratching, the sound of jangling men mourning their luck, as jangling men were frequently won’t to do in the eighties (or was it? In actual fact, the lyrics are vague and inconclusive in places).
24. The Bomb Party – Ray Gun EP (Abstract)
Peak position: 24
25. Sweet – Sweet 2th - The Wigwam-Willy Mix (Anagram)
Peak position: 7
Look, if I let the title of this one pass without spluttering, somebody will just dive in the comments box and do it themselves, so here I am, bang on cue… and blimey, eh?! A wigwam willy mix. I’m sure Anagram Records knew exactly what they were doing when they pulled that one together, missus.
Sadly, it’s not worth any further thought than that, being yet another stuttering, cobbled together megamix the world really didn’t need, with some Black Lace styled innuendo being offered as deeply cynical bait.
28. The Apostles - Smash The Spectacle EP (Mortarhate)
Peak position: 27
Week Two
16. Gene Loves Jezebel - Cow (Situation 2)
Peak position: 7
There’s a surprisingly light and jangly touch to “Cow” which defies the expectations I have of Gene Loves Jezebel singles. While you can hear their gothic roots loud and clear, there are moments when its feathery, weightless nature feels surprisingly close to the trippier, resin-scented edges of early nineties major label baggy. While I doubt anyone span this on Saturday nights at even the Pink Toothbrush, much less the Hacienda, it’s still a surprising and bittersweet treat I wasn’t expecting to encounter.
Did the Jezebels accidentally invent the future of indie here? And whatever did their goth fans think?
19. Primal Scream - All Fall Down (Creation)
Peak position: 19
Right behind the Welsh brothers, of course, were these future Indie Dance sensations with their debut single. Absurdly influential beyond its meagre sales it may have been, but the spindly production and hesitant performance of “All Fall Down” always felt like a failing rather than an asset to me; somewhere hidden in here is a top hole psychedelic pop song, but instead we get what sounds like an under-the-duvet demo, and we have to strain our imaginations to understand what might have been.
Peak position: 9
Ex-Pop Group member Mark Stewart shunted into a very hard and abrasive, sample-heavy area for his Mafia project, and “Hypnotised”, from the brilliantly titled album “As the Veneer of Democracy Starts to Fade”, is a single that paints new signposts for the industrial sub-genre before it had even really found legs. If parts of it sound faintly primitive now, the darkness and dubbiness certainly seemed groundbreaking at the time.
21. Hurrah! - Gloria (Kitchenware)
Peak position: 21
Kitchenware’s brightest janglers return with an unusually dark, introspective streak to their melodies, offering a brooding ballad seemingly about unresolved relationship issues. “I know now you left me in limbo/ but sometimes that's the way things begin” we’re told, and that, my dear readers, is the sound of deep denial. My advice to both Hurrah and you good people? Never, ever accept limbo for more than a week or two. If the lady or gentleman in question can’t make their minds up or wants a longer break, it’s their own affair (possibly literally?) from that point on, and you should just get on with your own life.
“Gloria”, therefore, is wound-licking and head-scratching, the sound of jangling men mourning their luck, as jangling men were frequently won’t to do in the eighties (or was it? In actual fact, the lyrics are vague and inconclusive in places).
24. The Bomb Party – Ray Gun EP (Abstract)
Peak position: 24
25. Sweet – Sweet 2th - The Wigwam-Willy Mix (Anagram)
Peak position: 7
Look, if I let the title of this one pass without spluttering, somebody will just dive in the comments box and do it themselves, so here I am, bang on cue… and blimey, eh?! A wigwam willy mix. I’m sure Anagram Records knew exactly what they were doing when they pulled that one together, missus.
Sadly, it’s not worth any further thought than that, being yet another stuttering, cobbled together megamix the world really didn’t need, with some Black Lace styled innuendo being offered as deeply cynical bait.
28. The Apostles - Smash The Spectacle EP (Mortarhate)
Peak position: 27
Week Two
16. Gene Loves Jezebel - Cow (Situation 2)
Peak position: 7
There’s a surprisingly light and jangly touch to “Cow” which defies the expectations I have of Gene Loves Jezebel singles. While you can hear their gothic roots loud and clear, there are moments when its feathery, weightless nature feels surprisingly close to the trippier, resin-scented edges of early nineties major label baggy. While I doubt anyone span this on Saturday nights at even the Pink Toothbrush, much less the Hacienda, it’s still a surprising and bittersweet treat I wasn’t expecting to encounter.
Did the Jezebels accidentally invent the future of indie here? And whatever did their goth fans think?
19. Primal Scream - All Fall Down (Creation)
Peak position: 19
Right behind the Welsh brothers, of course, were these future Indie Dance sensations with their debut single. Absurdly influential beyond its meagre sales it may have been, but the spindly production and hesitant performance of “All Fall Down” always felt like a failing rather than an asset to me; somewhere hidden in here is a top hole psychedelic pop song, but instead we get what sounds like an under-the-duvet demo, and we have to strain our imaginations to understand what might have been.
The band were very conscious of this at the time, remarking to others that their lack of money was hindering their ambitions and progress. It didn’t put the fanzine kids off one iota, though, who discovered a new hero in Bobby Gillespie and seemed to take inspiration from the fact that the track sounded as if anyone could have recorded it.
22. Tools You Can Trust - Sharpen the Tools EP (Red Energy Dynamo)
Peak position: 22
24. Crime + The City Solution – The Dangling Man EP (Mute)
Peak position: 23
Led by Simon Bonney, Crime & The City Solution featured ex-Birthday Party members and could therefore be considered the shadow to Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds’ moonlight – or is it the other way around?
Whatever, they’ve also managed to become horribly underrated despite pouring out endless intriguing albums and singles exploring peculiar and occasionally surrealist ideas. 1990’s “Paradise Discotheque” LP offers their worldview at its most accessible and dramatic, exploring the perspectives of hurt, betrayed and exiled dictators among other unlikely areas.
“The Dangling Man” is closer to Cave in its stylings, and possibly cursed them with comparisons from the off. The world wasn’t big enough for both parties at this point.
30. Coil - Panic (Force and Form)
Peak position: 19
Week Three
15. Wiseblood - Motorslug (Some Bizzare)
Peak position: 5
Foetus operating under the Wiseblood moniker, and producing something which sounded like the group you suspect Sigue Sigue Sputnik wanted to be; influenced by Suicide, but pushing down hard at the controls, pissing pure electro-rockabilly and screaming at the top of their lungs.
19. Discharge - Ignorance EP (Clay)
Peak position: 10
21. Love and Rockets - Ball Of Confusion (Beggars Banquet)
Peak position: 12
Indie chart debut for the Rockets, a band who ended up with a best-selling, gold certified album in the USA while never truly catching fire in the UK, despite notable press attention and pushes and prods from Beggars HQ.
It’s possible to understand why from “Ball of Confusion” alone. It’s a clean, square-cut marching New Wave take of the Temptations classic, sounding pin-sharp and eighties but somehow slightly off-centre too. That kind of cool sunglasses-at-night angularity tended to appeal to US audiences far more than it did the goths and twee kids of the UK, and even at this distance, it sounds peculiarly clean, upright and rigid by the standards of the rest of the indie charts.
30. The Crowd - You'll Never Walk Alone (Spartan)
Peak position: 10
A national chart number one, The Crowd’s ensemble charity single was quickly pulled together following the tragic fire at Bradford Football Club’s Valley Parade, which saw 56 spectators killed. Unlike Band Aid, The Crowd were a strange and mismatched bunch, featuring Rick Wakeman, John Entwhistle, Motorhead, Phil Lynott, Chris Norman, John Otway, Jess Conrad, Joe Fagin, Johnny Logan, Keith Chegwin, Peter Cook, Bernie Winters and Bruce Forsyth, along with a couple of other helpers whose involvement was, shall we say, unfortunate given their later criminal charges and reputations (watch the video and it shall all become very obvious).
Despite the lack of A list pop stars involved, feelings about the disaster were strong enough and charity singles were still comparatively novel enough to allow the single to dominate the news and radio for a few weeks. Was it any good? Frankly, not really – the backing feels too much like a rushed karaoke track, and one or two of the vocal contributions get slightly too carried away, but more than on most charity singles (including Band Aid) the sense of spirit here from some of the singers feels painfully obvious. The news of the tragedy was obviously still raw, and they belt the song out as if lives depended on it which, given that the surviving families needed considerable help, they did.
And what else would have possessed Peter Cook and Bernie Winters to appear on the same single together, approaching the endeavour with the same spirit? There’s a tricky pub quiz question most people would fail to get right.
Week Four
16. Doctor And The Medics - Happy But Twisted (Illegal)
Peak position: 2
The good Doctor’s indie chart debut ahead of the group’s brief dalliance with proper chart success the following year. The group had previously appeared on Dan Treacy’s Whaam label, and there’s little here that really hints towards mainstream success; to all intents and purposes, they still sound like a deeply, defiantly psychedelic indie proposition, with a haphazard production and more enthusiasm than commercial sense.
It’s not quite Primal Scream’s “All Fall Down”, though. The group are punchy, energetic and proudly flamboyant and uncool, like the neighbourhood acid freak you knew who joined in with the laughter when locals in the street pointed at him.
21. Pink Industry - What I Wouldn't Give (Zulu)
Peak position: 21
Mozmania had reached such proportions by 1985 that Jayne Casey of Big in Japan felt the urge to demonstrate her love for someone by offering Smiths vinyl up as a sacrifice. “Oh, what I wouldn't give to feel your presence here/ There's my Smiths tapes you never wanted to hear/ Throw them away, Morrissey in a bin/ If it would bring you back again” she coos.
The backing is a cool electronic pulse, with some growling eighties bass and the kind of kitschy working man’s club drum machine pattern occasionally entertained by Teardrop Explodes (by the point of their abandoned third album at least).
It’s off-the-wall, defiant, cool, detached and yet also fun, so despite some attention from Smash Hits and other publications, it obviously wasn’t a hit in the hyper-sincere year of 85.
29. Blue Orchids - Sleepy Town (Racket)
Peak position: 29
For the full charts, please go to the UKMix Forums
Number One In The Official Charts
Paul Hardcastle: "19" (Chrysalis)
The Crowd: "You'll Never Walk Alone" (Spartan)
Sister Sledge: "Frankie" (Atlantic)
Aah. So that's why the BBC4 TOTP repeats always cut The Crowd down to around 20 seconds. Should have guessed.
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