37. Crass - Who Dunnit? (Crass)

Two weeks at number one from w/e 30th July 1983

Sometimes political records treat the music itself as a bit of an afterthought. For every Joe Strummer or Billy Bragg creating records which stand the test of time as good rock music as well as political protest, there have been many attempts where the medium has been used (or abused) purely to carry some slogans beyond a cause or campaign.

Besides that, often people just want to dream use the charts as a medium for their message. As recently as 2020, Basildon controversy seekers Kunt and The Gang released the single “Boris Johnson is a Fucking Cunt”, then followed it up in 2021 with “Boris Johnson is Still a Fucking Cunt”, two snappy diatribes, the latter of which – thanks to the group’s weaponising of social media, digital music streaming and their fanbase - got to number 5 in the national charts at Christmastime. It’s doubtful anybody who bought either of their singles still plays them for pleasure; the motivation for buying both seems to have been anger, and the sense that the charts were there to be gamed to send a message to Number 10 during the Sunday Teatime chart rundown. Neither are truly terrible records, but nor is Mr Kunt in the business of attempting to pen poignant classics.

Nor is this behaviour unique to people on the left. It’s doubtful that any of Kunt and The Gang’s fans bought George Bowyer’s stiff and commanding 1998 single “Guardians of The Land”, a tepid and tacky CD protest single triggered by the Labour Party’s fox hunting ban (though barely mentioning the details of that “sport” in its lyrics). Countryside Alliance told their members that if they all went out and bought a copy, they should expect a number one – in the event, it managed one week at number 33 and if you’ve forgotten all about it, I wouldn’t be surprised. Most of the people who bought it probably have as well.

Perhaps, given all that, it shouldn't be a shock that the indie chart provides us with an example at the absolute extreme end of the spectrum here. I doubt Crass had the means or even motivation to hype “Who Dunnit” into the national top 40, but it’s the ultimate anarchistic souvenir single. Side A features Crass and some “mates in the pub” singing “Birds put the turd in custard/ But who put the turd in Number Ten?” over and over again in response to the recent General Election result, while a few bits of inconsequential half-baked comedy happen in the background. The B side is more of the same.

The single came on translucent brown vinyl housed in a transparent “evidence” bag, which was placed inside a cover containing turd-and-tissue art. It wasn’t the first time Crass had attempted to use a record to make a statement rather than be listened to for enjoyment – their Casiotone Christmas 45 in 1981 also did that job – and wouldn’t be the last.

There are two dominant theories about why this record existed. One is that the group were wounded by the 1983 General Election result and it was a deliberately hopeless response to that. The other is that they were increasingly tired of boneheaded punks buying their singles and barely paying any attention to the sleevenotes or lyrics, and wanted to leave them in no doubt about their political leanings.

While both theories arguably have a grain of truth about them, this sits alongside a run of other 1983 indie number ones which all, one way or another, tell us something about the mood among a certain section of society. Elvis Costello and Tom Robinson were deemed serious artists – whatever that means in practice - but were producing lyrically scattershot, angry, fearful records which sounded nothing like Crass, but had the same feeling of elasticated lyrical lines barely managing to contain all their rage and ideas.

34. Yazoo - Nobody's Diary (Mute)

One week at number one on w/e 11th June 1983

Imagine being the person who had to manage Vince Clarke’s career in the early eighties – that flibbertigibbet with the haircut of a sulphur crested bird who also seemed as unpredictable and (obvious pun intended) flighty as a cockatoo himself. Consider how it must have felt to have had a meeting with him, relaxed and confident about his current level of success and ready to talk about “cracking the USA”, only for him to tell you that he feels something’s wrong again and he's ready to move on.

Having quit Depeche Mode after only one album, Clarke then promptly formed Yazoo with Alison Moyet, only to discover that, primarily for personal rather than musical differences, they didn’t enjoy working with each other. Moyet’s extraversion appeared to jar with Clarke’s quiet, considered and non-communicative working practices, and neither could seem to find a way of making the duo feel like a satisfactory working partnership. The second album “You And Me Both” – appropriately housed in a sleeve showing two dogs baring their teeth at each other – was therefore recorded with Clarke and Moyet largely handling their parts in the studio at separate times, choosing to have as little to do with each other as possible.

It’s worth speculating whether a more experienced individual than Daniel Miller at Mute Records would have seen the signs or been able to intervene earlier. While there are exceptions to the general rule (Haircut One Hundred?) major labels are usually quick to smell groups whose working relationships are on flimsy or moribund territory. Yazoo were formed very quickly, not long after Clarke left Depeche Mode, and seemingly without a chance to get to understand each other – combine that pressure with the sudden rush of hit singles and touring, and the end result feels almost inevitable. In fact, it seems astonishing we even got two albums out of them in such short order.

“Nobody’s Diary” was the only single to be plucked from “You And Me Both”, and unusually was solely penned by Moyet without any of Clarke’s involvement. Whether the intention was that the record would act as a calling card to anyone wanting to sign Moyet as a solo artist or not, her subsequent view of the record has become unfavourable. Noting that she wrote the song at the age of sixteen, she appears embarrassed by the lyrical contents, feeling that her emotional experience was inadequate to handle the romantic subject matter.

There’s an interesting parallel with Depeche Mode’s “See You” here, the first Martin Gore written track to be released as a single following Clarke’s departure. That too was regarded grimly by Gore as he became older due to its schoolboy lyricisms, but unlike “See You” this single does at least feel more specific in places – “My head was so full of things to say/ But as I open my lips all my words slip away” summons a frustration we’ve all felt as a relationship collapses (ironically enough) into poor communication, and is followed then by a piece of bad, scattershot communication itself – “And anyway!” she snaps, changing the subject. It’s a world apart from walks in the park and sitting on benches, and shows that whatever her doubts were, Moyet’s sixteen year old self could handle this stuff as well as anyone else in the charts that week.

Melodically, the song is beautiful, opening with twitchy, metallic synth sounds before gradually blooming into something considerably more detailed and not as desperate and immediate as much of Clarke’s work. This is no pop banger, instead progressing gradually and unveiling itself, confident that while what it has to offer may be subtle, the song is strong enough to hold the listener’s attention without resorting to repetitive slogans or persuasive drum machine loops. Just when you’re finally admiring it and enjoying its company, it slides back to the icy, minimal synth riff it opened with before slowly fading away.

Moyet’s vocals ensure the song’s impact is fully realised. More so than on previous Yazoo releases, she gives the impression of fully throwing herself into this one, to the degree that when I read about her misgivings I was shocked – I had assumed she was singing about a deeply personal situation, so invested does she sound in the lyrics.

27. Crass - How Does It Feel To Be The Mother Of A Thousand Dead? (Crass)

Two weeks at number one from w/e 13th November 1982

Initially I was tempted to bundle this number one and Robert Wyatt’s “Shipbuilding” together in one entry. The double-whammy effect of two back-to-back number ones on the same political topic feels like the kind of thing which could only have happened in the indie chart – short of World War III, it’s hard to imagine the official national charts ever replicating the same phenomenon.

It also tells us something about how high feelings were running in British society at that point; whether people wanted the considered, empathetic jazz-pop of “Shipbuilding” or the downright savage “How Does It Feel…” or (more likely) neither, The Falklands War was a topic it was obviously difficult to look away from.

If “Shipbuilding” is an aerial view of a conflicted town populated with people struggling to see over the barrier of their own personal struggles towards a bigger societal tragedy, “How Does It Feel” is just visceral blame. Crass may have begun to fall out with the second wave punks who dominated the scene at this point, but lyrically speaking, they were the closest to the original punk spirit of 76 – while the likes of The Exploited fell back on simplistic chants and slogans and the odd cuss word, Crass damn near scream an entire diatribe on the Falklands conflict over the course of a mere three minutes, and even find time for some sloganeering in the dying few seconds.

“So keen to play your bloody part, so impatient that your war be fought/ Iron Lady with your stone heart so eager that the lesson be taught/ That you inflicted, you determined, you created, you ordered/ It was your decision to have those young boys slaughtered” – this is a world apart from the taut, staccato, monosyllabic machine-gun attack of most eighties punk. It has so much to say that the song itself feels as if it can barely contain the anger; each line is elasticated close to a snapping point before the release comes, followed by the next swollen, unyielding attack. Then the next.

If there’s a moment here where Crass feel like every other punk band of the early eighties era, it’s probably around the chorus. That’s when the drums punch, the vocals get guttural, and the group take apparent glee in the chief slogan, perhaps hoping that it will stir the tabloid press to respond. What’s interesting is how quickly the song then collapses away from that chorus and descends into mania. Unlike “Shipbuilding”, it’s not clever as such – though the lyrics do stand alone perfectly well as a form of ranting poetry, which couldn’t be said of any other track in the indie charts at this point – and nor is it tuneful, but its design and precision are hard and sharp. It sets out to wound, and while it’s doubtful Margaret Thatcher considered their views, there isn’t a single line that leans back from the attack. Every single one is a tiny bullet, a distinct and aggrieved opinion.

The distance between this and the kind of fag-end punk dross that’s littered the indie charts over the last year is obvious. The senile tail end of any subgenre generally tends to consist of groups who have enthusiastically bounded into the room only to immediately forget what they went there for – you can hear this in the worst of glam rock in 1975, the collapse of disco, and even the lad-friendly meat-and-potatoes rock of 1996 Britpop. All were filled with chancers who only remembered the basic tricks of their trade, devolving rather than evolving.

14. The Exploited and Anti-Pasti - Don't Let 'Em Grind You Down (EP)

 

Two weeks at number one from 19th December 1981

The final indie chart number one of 1981, and now the Standard garden firework has been lit at our New Years Eve party, let’s make sure all our dogs and cats are locked inside. Then we can stand around to admire the tiny white fountain of sparks, the pathetic razz it emits and hold our noses at the accompanying eggy smell. In another dimension, we could have done better than this. We could have had Catherine Wheels at least.

In some ways, this is arguably the most appropriate way to finish the year, given the manner in which second wave punk has dominated the charts; whether you appreciate the artists or not, it feels apt that they should don the final Christmas crown. In other respects, it shows that for all the ideas of purity people had about the indie sector in 1981 (and still have now) it doesn’t necessarily follow that everyone operating within it was a kind soul - for make no bones about it, this is a deeply shoddy product.

Side one of the EP consists of some hastily recorded live tracks by The Exploited, which are of a listenable bootleg quality, a valid experience for hardcore fans only. Both tracks rant and rave about the police force and what a shower of bastards they are, but the lyrics are so inaudible that I doubt any of the boys in blue bothered to note them on a special branch file anywhere; even the most dedicated inspector would have given up on that job after the third listen.

Side two is just a couple of 1980 demos recorded by Anti-Pasti which are better, but rough and ready and clearly outline sketches rather than completed efforts. They churn and chug away a bit and sod off with a shrug.

“But what could be more punk rock than such a rough around the edges artefact, showing the bands with no frills attached?” I hear you protest, and that was probably precisely the defence of their ex-manager who had these recordings and released them without seeking either group's permission. The fact it offered four tracks by two cult bands with dedicated fanbases probably made it seem like value for money, and helped it get to number 70 in the national charts during the peak Christmas market – but it’s a grim reminder that even the supposedly fair-minded world of punk could fall victim to music business sleight-of-hand.

This EP is officially deemed a bootleg on Discogs these days, and therefore unavailable for sale there. This also probably makes it the only live bootleg, unsanctioned by the group in question, to make it into the official national charts. An interesting achievement but one I doubt anyone celebrates.