92. The Smiths - Shoplifters Of The World Unite (Rough Trade)

Four weeks at number one from 14th February 1987

Oh, how we laughed when the assistant in our branch of Woolworths played this song on a busy Saturday afternoon. He was proudly ensconced behind the display copies of the Pepsi & Shirlie singles, spinning this record loudly enough that you could hear it as far back as the garden hose display. I’m sure his supervisor gave him a thorough ticking off, but if Morrissey had ever found out, he probably would have sent him a bouquet.

A man in his mid-twenties walked past me holding hands with his girlfriend tittering loudly for everyone’s benefit, “They might have thought harder before putting this one on!” The rest of the shopping trip was mundane, so it was a relief to be provided with some kind of anecdote to tell others about later – a sense that a hit single’s subversion had been appropriated in the correct way.

I didn’t expect our Saturday mission to buy lightbulbs and birdseed to be spent listening to what was the first new indie number one of 1987, and in all probability the first indie record of the year Woolworths would have stocked. Age of Chance’s dominance of the top slot for ten straight weeks seemed to have as much to do with the lack of action going on elsewhere as its cult popularity.

“Shoplifters Of The World Unite” was “one of those singles” from the off – the “Sorted For Es and Whizz” of its era, a single which was quietly looking for trouble while disguising its ambitions behind a passive-aggressive arrangement. Morrissey ducked the issue in the press a few times, perhaps wary of a radio ban, pointing out that the idea of “shoplifting” could be about creative theft as well as actual pilfering of goods. The song doesn’t make that clear anywhere, though. Instead, it talks about the protagonist's inevitable arrest (“A heartless hand on my shoulder/ A push and it's over/ Alabaster crashes down/ Six months is a long time”) and contains two lines I loved as a teenager, which are almost Martin Gore-ish in their simplicity: “But last night the plans for a future war/ Was all I saw on Channel Four” – though these days I tend to blanche a bit at the clumsiness and oddness of that quick triple rhyming scheme.

The title of the song makes it seem as if it could be another blundering, loud hippopotamus of a single akin to “Panic”, but while The Smiths have a more forceful sound here if compared to their earliest works, in reality it seems to encapsulate the sum total of the ideas in their career so far. Listen closely and you can hear the swampy rumble of “How Soon Is Now?” coming through Marr’s guitar in the verses, the glam descends of “Panic”, and the gentle melodic strum of “What Difference Does It Make”.

If I’ve made it sound like a cut-and-shut hack job by saying that, that’s not my intention – what it seems to be instead is a group realising the scope of their identity and playing all the cards to their advantage. If “Panic” and “Ask” sounded like slight departures from the usual route map, “Shoplifters” feels like a rounded and careful reiteration of the group’s strengths by comparison; one for the proud fans as well as the Woolworths shoppers, a hooky, contentious yet surprisingly delicate 45 which stood out both melodically and lyrically.

There were those, of course, who didn’t care for it, and in typical fashion fed the Morrissey shaped troll rather than rolling their eyes and walking on. Conservative MP Geoffrey Dickens was incensed, referring to the track as an open ode to thievery, while Tesco threatened to sue Smash Hits for printing the song’s lyrics over the top of an image of one of their carrier bags. It’s difficult to understand what either party expected to achieve – I doubt the single inspired many people who weren’t already shoplifting to go out and give it a try, and the central message seemed to be about the hypocrisy of the fact that while bored people with light fingers serve prison time, those who engage with state sanctioned murder are lauded.

If you’re going to criticise the single at all, it could probably be that it’s not as subtle as Morrissey would like to believe it is, and once again, it’s deliberate baiting, lacking the subtlety of the group’s earlier lyrics. If Morrissey hadn’t coined the phrase "Shoplifters of the World Unite", you can imagine Rik Mayall shouting it in his Rik The People’s Poet guise then pulling a “shocked, are you?” face afterwards. It’s a far cry from punctured bicycles on desolate hillsides, and once again points towards a direction Morrissey was starting to take – one of the intentional disruptor rather than the rock poet.

That, however, does disregard some of the song’s best lyrical moments. The “heartless hand on my shoulder” part is superb, and the concluding lines “I tried living in the real world/ Instead of a shell/ But before I began/ I was bored before I even began” elicits sympathy for the condemned. The Smiths painted a world which was enticing to outsiders, but criminality hadn’t yet featured in it in any big way; “Shoplifters” shakes the hands of people who were moved to petty crimes through boredom, listlessness and the desperation to fill the day with something that wasn’t dull routine. The likes of Geoffrey Dickens MP probably saw it as encouragement for children to shoplift (such as my friend Tony, who was extremely proud of his “Creme Egg rolled up the sleeve” palm-to-elbow technique) but it doesn’t make the crime seem glamorous – it’s just more rounded in its understanding.

The furore hurt the record none, and it climbed to number twelve in the official national charts. Morrissey would later comment that it was “a good time for The Smiths” – a comment that would seem increasingly inappropriate as the year wore on.

New Entries Elsewhere In The Charts

15. Elvis Costello & The Attractions - Blue Chair (Imp/Demon)


Peak position: 10


If you were being unkind, you could think of Elvis Costello as the Morrissey of the new wave era, and one whose role had been unkindly usurped. Costello was certainly ungracious about The Smiths success, commenting that Morrissey “writes wonderful song titles, but sadly he often forgets to write the song”, and arguing in 2005 that “he’s been singing the same tune for twenty years”. Also, commenting perhaps most dismissively about his Englishness, Costello said of Moz: “Those who are fragile, who need to be cosseted, maybe their shortcomings or their excellence in their field is then woven into the fabric along with Albert Tatlock and Hobnobs” – the sort of line Morrissey would have been happy to push out in an interview, to the point that I can even hear it in his voice, only he obviously would not have applied it to himself.

By this point, Costello was still attracting keen critical analysis, but his commercial glory days were behind him. In common with a lot of the other tracks on “Blood & Chocolate”, “Blue Chair” has a raw but studied feel, a bare production being met with accomplished lyricism and musicianship. Even at the height of punk, Costello felt like the adult in the room, the “new waver” whose respect for musical history and talented company made him more likely to receive critical plaudits than Billy Idol. By 1987, though, he was an elder statesman, a man for the broadsheet Sunday supplement.

“Blue Chair” is closer stylistically to Springsteen than The Smiths, and another million miles away from anyone else in this chart; but it’s interesting to compare how Costello grew up and moved on to Morrissey’s career path, which has on occasion felt wedged in the same furrow for decades (disclaimer - I haven't listened to his new album yet).

19. Man 2 Man Meet Man Parrish - Male Stripper (Bolts)


Peak position: 7

Over the years, I’ve stared applying the hook line of this single to people whose boasts I’m suspicious of. E.g.: Pub liar: “I won the county’s strongest man contest in 1981, you know!”
Me: “Oh yeah? Well I was a male stripper in a go-go bar”.

Man 2 Man were a New York Hi-NrG group whose singles even managed to leave less to the imagination than their European compatriots, but their roots were actually indier than you’d think – the two brothers Miki and Mandy Zone began in the punk/glam outfit The Fast and shared a record label with Suicide, Wayne Country and Pere Ubu.

Following the almost inevitable failure of that group, they instead began recording with legendary producer Bobby Orlando (who also worked with The Pet Shop Boys early in their career) then collaborated with electro producer Man Parrish for this 45. It dominated gay clubs in 1986, then slowly began to pick up commercial traction in 1987, sadly too late for at least one key member to appreciate – Miki Zone died from spinal meningitis caused by AIDS in December the previous year.

“Male Stripper” is one of the era’s finer Hi-NRG tracks – cheap, propulsive, knowingly outrageous and huge, ridiculous fun. 

27. Fats Comet - Rockchester (World)


Peak position: 27


Week Two


10. The Godfathers - Love is dead​ (Corporate Image)

Peak position: 5


More Marquee friendly garage from The Godfathers, whose slightly 1975 pub rock leanings didn’t prevent them from having a huge cult following throughout the mid eighties. “Love Is Dead” could even be the closest they’ve come so far to a polished sounding hit single, containing enough chimes and flourishes to keep the daytime Radio One playlisters happy – its main flaw, however, is its subtle and faintly half-hearted chorus. 

15. Siouxsie And The Banshees – The Peel Sessions (Strange Fruit)


Peak position: 9


20. The Bambi Slam - Bamp Bamp (Product Inc)


Peak position: 11


Bambi Slam were that odd and rare thing in the mid-eighties – a Canadian group who had decided to base themselves in the UK. Perhaps more unexpectedly still, their records seemed to be closer to the Midlands based grebo groups than anything happening in North America, and their debut “Bamp Bamp” is proof of this. Distorted thrashes and crashes meet with a primitive beat box and a menacing vocal whine.

Around this time, the group also recorded a Peel Session and were politely informed that they would not be asked back for another, following an indulgent and painstakingly long recording session which tried the patience of the BBC staffers involved. Not a group I’d honestly have guessed placed high on the “Kevin Rowland Perfectionism” richter scale, but there you go. 

21. The Submarines - Grey Skies Blue (53rd & 3rd)


Peak position: 21


Glasgow group whose sole official recorded history is encapsulated in this one single and a Janice Long session; later material was due to be released by the group under their new name The Compass Flow, but the master tapes sat in the vaults of Glass Records – or probably literally sat on a shelf in someone's house - and didn’t make it into the shops at the time. The group eventually released a CD-r themselves in 2004 entitled “Telegraph Signals”. Never let it be said that all the C86 era groups were treated with love and respect by the outer edges of the music business.

“Grey Skies Blue” was a huge cult indiepop single at the time, and it’s surprising that nobody was keen to capitalise on it. The group supported Felt and Primal Scream on tour and were far from invisible, and the record itself is solid in its sweetness – The Submarines weren’t ones for windblown, threadbare melodies or amateur shambling, instead offering a robustly dreamy pop song which sounds timeless. There were quite a few worse groups coming out of Glasgow at the time than this, many of whom wasted far more vinyl pressing plant resources. Sometimes life isn’t fair.

23. Bog-Shed - Tried And Tested Public Speaker (Shelfish)


Peak position: 12


More rambling waywardness from Bog-Shed – “Tried And Tested” sounds like a senseless and unholy alliance between Captain Beefheart, Lonnie Donnegan and The Small Faces, if all had decided to record in a cupboard under the stairs. As the other indie groups around got better at stylising themselves, Bog-Shed set themselves up as one of the few proud deliverers of true indie, making music that sounded completely their own that you just weren’t going to hear anywhere else; handmade with a manic grin. 

25. The Railway Children - Brighter (Factory)

Peak position: 4


Whereas The Railway Children were gently carving off the most accessible bits of indiepop and polishing them like delicate crystal owls – in that sense, “Brighter” is very ahead of its time, sounding like a major label crossover attempt before they’d even left the Factory Records offices. The crooning vocals, buttery arrangements and slippery melodies on offer here are immediately distinguished sounding, yet also hypnotically alluring. “Brighter” isn’t, despite its title, a blindingly obvious single, but it is a delight to spend a few minutes with; all mystery and subtlety which rewards the ears with repeat plays.

28. Stump – The Peel Sessions (Strange Fruit)


Peak position: 14


Week Three


9. The Birthday Party – The Peel Session (Strange Fruit)


Peak position: 9


29. Chakk - Timebomb (Take Your Time) (Fon)

Peak position: 29


Earlier in the decade, Chakk were the subjects of a huge major label bidding war, resulting in MCA signing them for £100k in the mid-eighties. By 1987 they were back out in the indie sector again, but not before they’d sensibly invested their advance money in the construction of FON studios, which would see customers as varied as Pulp, The Fall, Rolf Harris, James, Erasure and apparently David Bowie (though I suspect at least a couple of these customer’s visits may have been fleeting).

“Timebomb” doesn’t really offer anything more radical from the group, despite their new-found freedom. It’s the same industrial jitter-funk which will appeal to those whose feet and brains respond to such rhythms.

30. Biff Bang Pow! - The Whole World Is Turning Brouchard! (Creation)


Peak position: 25

A real curiosity from Alan McGee – JC Brouchard was a French promoter who, among other things, helped organise a tour across the English Channel for Biff Bang Pow, and subsequently became treated as a magical guru figure by McGee. Alan had a habit of putting certain people on pedestals, originally referring to his friend Jerry Thackray (later known as Everett True) as The Legendary Jerry Thackray, then allowing him to release two of the label’s worst ever singles under the name The Legend!

If personal feelings seemed to blind McGee to the actual worth and talent of his friends and associates, “The Whole World Is Turning Brouchard” is a much better record, being a twangy but brief burst of sixties instro-drama which could have acted as the theme tune to something his friend was doing – a chat show perhaps, or maybe even getting on with his life.

Sadly, just as we left the sixties behind without bothering to paint them black, the eighties never did see us truly turning fully Brouchard. McGee quit the French tour in a huff halfway through, and Biff Bang Pow’s time as a touring entity ended, the group becoming a studio-bound project instead.

Week Four

26. This Poison! – Engine Failure (Reception)


Peak position: 18

This Poison were the "other group" signed to David Gedge’s Reception Records label, and certainly the less famous of the two. “Engine Failure” lacks the snarl and sulk of the Weddoes and is essentially pure, clean indiepop, consisting of chiming sounds written by young men whose Orange Juice badges were festooned across their chunky winter jackets.

While they would release further records courtesy of Gedge, their subsequent footprint in indie history perhaps also faded as a result of the association – by the time the Wedding Present’s career began to look like a serious prospect, they were left to fend for themselves and ultimately floundered, splitting in 1988.

27. Miaow - When it All Comes Down (Factory)


Peak position: 13

Arguably one of the finer indie records of the year, “When It All Comes Down” may not have sold in enormous quantities, but nonetheless sees Cath Carroll and her bandmates introducing a rumbling rhythm, angular verses and an insistent chorus to a distinctly jangly indie template. Where most groups during this era were restricted by their lean technical abilities, Miaow were elastic, ambitious, charismatic and infectiously playful. “When It All Comes Down” is effortlessly accomplished sounding and unexpectedly groovy too.

28. Josef K - Heaven Sent (Supreme)


Peak position: 13

(A Peel Session record in all but name – “Heaven Sent” was recorded for Radio One in 1981 but only saw commercial release in 1987. As such, I’m going to skim past it as per all the other records of this ilk.)

29. Slab! - Parallax Avenue (Ink)


Peak position: 24

Distorted paranoid funk meets hushed Nosferatu vocals and pungent horns. Slab were a lingering presence on the gig circuit throughout the mid eighties, but perhaps arrived too late to take advantage of the funky end of post-punk, mopping up the industrial heads instead, who heard enough familiar sounds in their music to hop aboard.





30. Alien Sex Fiend - Hurricane Fighter Plane (Plague)


Peak position: 19


For the complete charts, please go to the UKMix Forums

Number One In The Official Charts

Billy Ocean: "When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get Going" (Jive)

Diana Ross: "Chain Reaction" (Capitol)